Chapter 2: Keep off the Grass

The sun has finally started to shine in this godforsaken bone-chilling state, and the grass is no longer sopping wet. I am relaxing on it for the first time in months, watching my toddler Abigail play -- once again -- on Ambrosia's hodgepodge of toddler toys. Ambrosia, spotting us from her kitchen window, comes out with Meddow, who is muttering her usual gobbledygook under her breath, "Gonna ain't gonna NOTHIN'" and "No, dontchoo even you dontchoo baby gonna MINE!" Ambrosia is casually tonguing the open space where her eye-teeth used to be and explains to me that she's been trying to get Meddow, who is now three, to take her nap in the mornings. (Look here for an idea of just how absurd this is.) The change -- which just isn't working for some reason -- is so that they can start enjoying the public pool, which keeps noon-to-six hours on weekdays and is about to re-open. Ambrosia, in her painted-on jeans, explains that she's always been told she has a "nice ass." So, of course, she looks very much forward to using the pool.

"I'm not even looking forward to wearing shorts," I say, frowning over my squished-out thighs in the grass.

"Have I ever told you why I don't sit in the grass?" Ambrosia says, taking a drag on her cigarette. Amazingly, she hasn't. This woman tells me darn near everything that pops into her little bleached-blonde, black-roots covered head.

"When we were livin' up in Juda, I was wearin' my shorts -- my Daisy Dukes, of course -- and I was sittin' in the grass just mindin' my own business when a fuckin' worm--" [she takes her index finger and makes a wriggly upward movement with it] -- "got right up in there."

"What???"

"Yeah, a FUCKIN' worm! I mean it didn't go in the" -- [she takes her index finger and bends and extends it in a pumping-pointing motion] -- "but it got in the" -- [she makes vertical slicing motions with her whole hand]. "It was the fuckin' nastiest shit I ever seen. I took a shower, like, five times that day."

"Huh."

So, apparently, if you wear Daisy Dukes in the grass, you could get a worm in your chochito, but not all the way up in your hoo-ha. Spread the word.

P.S. I thought I'd give Ambrosia this printout for future reference in telling her story: http://www.starma.com/penis/muffy/muffy.html