Chapter 3: Whistlin' Dixie

We had our first official showing-of-our-house scheduled for yesterday around 3 p.m., with one of my husband's co-workers. Which meant that I very definitely was interested in finding out where Ambrosia and her brood would be during that time. Honestly, I think their presence in the yard during a showing could mean at least $10,000 off our asking price, if not a complete obliteration of the sale. So, I walked out toward the side yard that abuts their yard, knowing that Ambrosia and Meddow would appear within minutes, as usual. Ambrosia came out wearing the tightest black pedal-pusher Spandex pants I've ever seen, and before even saying hello said, "Steve called me fat yesterday." Steve, by the way, is Meddow's daddy. He has a mullet (of course) and just got out of jail for his third DUI (of course). The second thing Ambrosia said was, "He drank all the brandy and then made me go buy him a six-pack -- right in the middle of the[NASCAR] race!" And, finally, the information I was fishing for: "My sister bought me the bathing suit I've been trying to find for 12 years. It's a Confederate Flag bikini -- awesome as shit! We're going to fill up the wading pool today, so if you want to bring Abigail over to swim, we'll be back from morel-hunting at Steve's parents' house at around 2:00."

Grrrreat. So, not only was she going to be in the yard. She was going to be in the yard wearing a Confederate Flag bikini. With her "Slippery When Wet" tattooed thigh dangling into the plastic wading pool, no less. My husband and I immediately went on a whirlwind cleaning tour of the house and called his co-worker to see if she wanted to swing by earlier in the day. She wasn't home. "Oh, well,"I said. "I guess it can't hurt getting some practice showing the house." My husband was more optimistic. He suggested that we give his co-worker driving directions approaching from the other end of the street, so that she and her family wouldn't pass by Ambrosia in her bikini. Then, he figured, we could just cross our fingers that they'd focus on the interior of the house and not walk the whole perimeter outside. As things turned out, the co-worker flaked on us, and it was so windy outside that Ambrosia didn't don her bikini anyway. Guess they were both just whistlin' Dixie.

P.S. Why did it take Ambrosia 12 years to find that swimsuit?http://avalonusa.com/swimwear/rebel.htm